Bed Bugs: Lesson 3 (Elimination)

This installment will explore techniques for dealing with the threat of a bed bug infestation. I should begin by pointing out the evident fact that it's far preferable to avoid unnecessary suffering; While it's best to minimize the risk of infestation by practicing the preventative measures discussed in the previous section, the next best option is to catch an infestation early, before a full-on genocide is necessitated. The (sort of) good news is that when a bed bug dies, its corpse releases a pheromone which signals danger to other bugs in the surrounding area. Your visitors are likely to get the message after a few deaths.

I should also remind you that this is all based on second-hand information (which I feel is quite reliable), as in the previous installments. Anyway, here are some things to keep in mind if you suspect you're at risk of infestation:

-Bed bugs require a blood meal at each stage of their development, so they can't reach the baby-making stage if you don't allow them to feed off of you. Thus, many of the preventative techniques mentioned previously can serve you well in controlling their population. In particular, placing traps under any legged object where you may spend time is tantamount to barricading all of the possible highways for flightless insects, making it easier to deal with the segregated groups individually.

-A mattress enclosure is a similar solution (If you're not familiar, this is essentially a bug-tight fabric barrier designed to cover a mattress). The nice thing about this option is that even if your mattress already contains bugs, they won't be able to get out if it's enclosed - you'll be able to sleep comfortably, knowing that your mattress is full of dead bugs. As an added bonus, a mattress enclosure will block dust mites from entering!
FUN FACT: An average mattress will double in mass throughout its lifetime, as a result of the dust mite population within.

-As mentioned previously, peaceful methods are always preferred, but if you're not able to work things out through a civil discussion, you may consider using heat to settle your disagreements. Exposure to an environment exceeding 140ºC for as long as an hour is said to result in guaranteed death for a bed bug; this can be accomplished using extreme heat-based appliances, such as a dryer or steam iron.

-If you end up having to throw away a bunch of your stuff, be sure to leave a sign or note indicating the risk of bugs. This is a surprisingly important step in counteracting the ruthless spread of infestation.

Congratulations! You are now unofficially certified to deal with a vampire attack!

May your bed be bug-free.


PS: As you may have noticed, I did not include a picture in this installment. I felt this was a bit inconsistent, so I've decided to attach an altered version of the original bed bug diagram, with a moustache instead of a stinger.


If only the solution were that simple...